3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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