im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
