I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize