I cannot find my penis.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can't put those talents on a resume
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
