Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
