So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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