Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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