Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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