How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
