she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
