I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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