i'm signing you up for texting rehab
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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