My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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