I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
