I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
