Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
