My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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