My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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