My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
