I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Congratulations! We have a period
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