Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
