She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
