I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Found the puke drawer
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
