my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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