He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
