i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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