Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
