If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
