when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
