Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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