I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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