Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
