You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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