She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
