i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
