Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I came so hard my ears popped.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
