Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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