I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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