took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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