I have demons in me.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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