Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
