'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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