I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize