You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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