i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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