I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
