How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
