Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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