he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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