she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
