I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
