i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
