I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize