wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
