I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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