it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
