I didn't shave. On purpose
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
