I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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