Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
