You can't motorboat a personality
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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