If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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